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Fear, Loathing, Loneliness, and Self Doubt
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| | Current Music: | Stealers Wheel-- Stuck in the Middle With You | | Subject: | the news... read up!!! | | Time: | 09:40 pm | | Current Mood: | amused |
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| ok so i haven't updated this in a long ass time, but am now doing so per special request..
my b-day approaches.. 10 more days, i'll be 24 sad thing is... i've worked at my job for 8 years.... 1/3 of my life.. lol oh well my b-day should be fun this year... just the same as the others really only plans we got are to go to dooks as usual...
As far as the band goes.... there is no band. Things never did get back to normal... and i quit. There's a story behind that.... I saw on my bass player's myspace site as of January 22nd they were breaking in a new drummer Unbeknownst to me, as i thought we were still a band and just taking some time off.. I guess u could say there was a lack of communication... seein as i didn't know bout this...
i found this out back in ooh bout sometime in Feb. and promptly had my equipment removed from Jeff's house. FUCK THAT... they ain't breakin a new drummer in on my equipment... fuck em been there done that.... don't need to deal with that shit again What FAB did to me was low, but i consider this lower.. At least FAB confronted me and told me face to face, instead of sneaking around behind my back.. grrrrr...
So now my drums are over at the new house.... and i play with myself alot.. I don't plan on doing anything bandwise anyways... this will give me time to work some things out on my own anyways... and some time to work on that song i promised a special someone.. lol (when i get it done i'll post it here)
If anything happens band-wise... it'll prolly be with my brother.. he's learning the bass now and can play guitar... and has a friend that is kick ass on guitar so we might try and work somethin out
Other than that crap... there's not so much goin on here anymore... just workin.. lol Since i been in my new house i've been talkin to Amber again... I really do miss talkin with her.. and i know she misses me too Hopefully she will be able to come stay with me this summer... I wish forever.. One can only hope though.... | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | System of a Down-- Cigarro | | Subject: | i am a lazy s.o.b. | | Time: | 01:53 am | | Current Mood: | cheerful |
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| yeah i have not updated this in forever.. a lot has changed in that time....
I moved out of my shithole apartment renting a house with a guy i work with... been here for bout 3 weeks now.. doin alright... livin a lot better...
i'm feelin a lot better too.... although the band is not goin how i would like it ... i don't care
i just feel happy | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| So much has been going on in the past month theres so much that i have wanted to say but haven't.. ashamed, nervous, afraid
first off.. some sad sad news My cousin Morgan committed suicide earlier this month... It came as a shock to everyone, including me.. I always thought i was gonna be the one to do it.
but i didn't cry.. didn't really mourn either... no one seemed to understand... but really they would be frightened if they did the whole time during the funeral.. i was wondering what mine would be like i was actually planning it right there.. in my mind
and for a while i didn't want to talk to anyone.. wanted to be left alone i started to think about it all i admire Morgan in a way.. he had the courage to carry through with what i only thought of doing and in a way that still made me feel inferior.... it was supposed to be me... but i chickened out..
So i've been thinkin a lot about that... taken some time off from the band.. avoided everyone and now i am slowly workin myself back to normal..
i got more to talk bout but maybe i'll do it tomorrow.. i'm too pissed | comments: Leave a comment  |
| sooooo here my lazy ass is again.... i dunno why i don't uopdate this more often I'm online all the time ya know...
well... the band... going ok.. i've been getting really stressed out with the band.... i never seem to have anytime for myself these days.... so I make my own time There have been a couple days where i have just disappeared.. not answered my phone or anything.. just stayed home and chilled.. i needed a break.
But... we're gonna do some recording now... and i'm anxious, nervous, hesitant... i dunno At times i'm all gung-ho with the band stuff... and at times i feel i just want to be left alone i guess i just haven't found my comfort level with them yet or maybe it's cause moon wants to get into the speed metal/thrash genre now, I feel I can't play that anymore.. i dunno if it's just being rusty or what, but for some reason i just feel like i'm not as good as i used to be...
But for now... I'm gonna stick with it, see where it takes me
Work sucks... as usual... i'm tired of people not respecting me.. or my authority nothing but a bunch of punk kids workin there... somedays i just wanna bitchslap em all or choke the life out of em... lol eh enough bout that
in the "female relations" department... it still sucks most of em just piss me the fuck off anymore... well the ones i'm around all the time anyways BUT!!! recently i have started chatting with a girl... and i'm finding that we have a lot in common and i feel really comfortable about her.. but i've felt this way before and things have not panned out but i guess i am hopeful... guess ya gotta be
so hmmmm.... i think i'll leave it at that... and i will try to get back more often... I PROMISE!!!!! | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Gorillaz-- Feel Good, Inc. | | Subject: | new computer | | Time: | 09:51 pm | | Current Mood: | contemplative |
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| ok... so i haven't updated in a while and for good reason too... my computer was a piece of shit... WAS.. for i have bought a new computer and all is right in the world again..
i guess....
well everything is much the same as when i last left ya the band is going well although i'm gettin a lil burned out from runnin everything
the girl situation still the same sometimes i wonder if it will ever change....
i guess there is nothing new goin on... other than my new computer... so thats where i'll leave that... | comments: Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | The Who-- Teenage Wasteland | | Subject: | my computer is a pos | | Time: | 09:34 pm | | Current Mood: | cranky |
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| ok it has been a looong time since i have posted here... and i have three excuses... 1) my computer is a piece of shit 2) I am way too busy to update 3) when i have the time.. and if my computer works.. i am way too lazy
this said... at this moment none of the above apply
so whats new...? nothin much... the girl situation seems to be the same at the moment however... i do think that is changing for the better.... i hope i did meet someone i really like but it hasn't really gone anywhere since then
the band situation is doin alright we're playin big shows at qc live.. and what not we're soundin decent and gettin better everyday and yeah i'm singin a bit too...lol oh yeah... we got a site now to http://www.myspace.com/headstoned check it out!!!
and now the main reason i am posting tonight.. once again i have the urge to let the world know how pathetic i feel
I had a dream again last night.... not just any dream... but one of "those" dreams... about "her" obviously i still cant let go... and it put me in a sour mood all day.. well here's the jist of it....
For some reason or another i was on a bus headed out east... and i had seen a sign that said Cleveland... 100 miles So i made the bus stop immediately.. got out and started walking I walked all the way to Cleveland... through snow nonetheless And when i got there i didn't know what to do,so i just walked around the city I began living off the streets... sleeping in a graveyard, and other disturbing things.. After a while i was walking through a park and i bumped into "her" Even though i looked like a street bum (actually cause i was) she recognized me right away, and took me into her arms she was amazed at my long journey and what i went through just to be there and she offered me a place to live.. and everything was happy after that The sun came out and the snow all melted...
.... and then i woke up.... so yeah i was in a bad mood at work today... broke down a couple times... considered calling my counselor up someone tried to cheer me up today.. and did for a lil while but i was let down in the end... not her fault though don't blame her .... just another disappointment for a long day....
well anyways... that about wraps it up i'ma gonna go have a beer... or two.. or three.. orr...... | comments: Leave a comment  |
| Well the Captain has just returned from a night of bowling Feelin good Feelin Good I know i made an ass of myself but i dont care, I had a good time
Although maybe i will care later i dunno what i'm sayin All i know is i prolly disappointed someone i was tryin to impress
anyways.... the band is goin awesome oh yeah i'm singin too ... on some parts sounds pretty good... or so everyone tells me and i'm managing the band and everything... so finally it's almost as if i can call this my own and it feels good
i've only written one song... but it feels like i've put more into this band i'm gettin more used to singin and drummin at the same time
"i'll miss you some of the time, until then i'll be just fine"
yeah i like that song i actually SING... its kinda cool... i think
"You break me down" "You better believe its over" "You break me down" "You break me dow-ow-own"
hehe... i am a singin fool what the hell am i doin but i do some screamin too... some growling
I think my song "Cutter" is our best one It's the most solid... and it rocks like hell maybe it's a biased opinion cause i wrote it but so what fuck you if u don't like it it means a lot to me... and i'm makin sure its perfect
this is MY band... it's my baby i'm not gonna fuck it up like last time | comments: Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Systen of a Down-- Cigarro | | Subject: | the weekend of fun | | Time: | 12:49 pm | | Current Mood: | rejuvenated |
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| well what a wild fun weekend it has been...
well for starters this week i stopped goin to the therapist... we both came to the assumption that i no longer needed him... and i'd say for the most part how the weekend turned out he was right.
Friday i stopped down at RiverCity, with the intent of only bein there 15 minutes well we were goin bar hoppin... at least that was the plan i wanted to check the place out before we played saturday since it's been almost a year since i last been in there ran into a bunch of old friends and ended up talkin all night
I had a serious talk with Kas, smoothed things over told him all the things i may have said over the last year, apologized for it all i let him know i have changed... and am feelin a lot better now i left the bar that night the happiest i had been in a long time
Saturday was a trip..... the whole day i was thinkin bout the show I was so nervous bout goin... i almost decided on not showin up But then i remembered the night before and how everyone missed me and was looking forward to seeing me I never had a feeling like that before.. i almost broke down and cried just for a minute.... i sucked it up.. and carried on
and indeed i saw Taz there that night... he was also anxious to hear what i had been up to He absolutely loved our set, as did pretty much every one else i was nervous bout the whole thing... cause i was singin too somethin i just started doin thursday... but i guess it went ok heh Taz even said he loved my drumhead.. not to change it a bit i was shocked when he said that... cause i was fearing the opposite reaction all week
in the end we sat down and talked, bought each other drinks and just chilled and it felt good... real good.... seemed just like old times... None of the bitterness that i have felt up until this point Maybe thats just what i needed... to talk
In the end i realized, maybe i am the one who created all my problems I always kept all my friends at a distance, never let anyone into my life And when shit turned bad , i seperated myself from people that truly care bout me It's good to know that people still care bout ya sometimes
Anyways so yeah saturday went by hellaciously good then last night was a quest for fun and adventure Sir Jables and the Captain set sail on the high waters of alcoholism in search for women Cruisin around town in the mighty Barten-mobile, the dynamic duo was on a quest to pillage every bar and rustle up some sweet tang...... DENIED!!! Damn them and their Daily Doubles!!!
eh i shouldn't drink so much..... but it's all in good fun... | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | System of a Down-- BYOB | | Subject: | new update | | Time: | 05:20 pm | | Current Mood: | anxious |
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| Sorry boys n girls.... been very busy the past couple weeks
Now that i've takin over most of the business part of the band, i have little time for anything anymore I've been takin care of everything... from booking/management... to promoter andwhat not and half the time i don't know what i'm doin....
I've been tryin to build a website but am failing miserably Flyers and shit? no prob
by the way Headstoned is playin at River City Brewing on saturday may 28th it took me 2 weeks to find 2 bands to play with us too
aside from that i have been super busy elsewhere my grandma passed away last saturday so i had the whole week off visitation was on wednesday funeral on thursday
i held up pretty good at the visitation... but when the funeral started i became a total mess.... which i guess is ok... perfectly normal now
except today i found out that i will have another funeral to go to next week and i guess they want me to be one of the pallbearers in it which i guess means more time off of work
i swear i have only worked 1 day in the last 8... i'm a slacker...lol
but besides all the bad times... i had quite a few good times too Steve's wedding.... got super drunk John's b-day was last night.... got drunk again fun times | comments: Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Danzig-- Am I Evil | | Subject: | helluva week | | Time: | 06:29 pm | | Current Mood: | crazy |
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| It has been one hell of a week so let me update yall
the steamwheelers game last weekend was soooooooo awesome a couple fights.... and a game winning kick in the final seconds most exciting game i've seen in a while went and got autographs after the game
my psych appt went well... we just sat around and bullshitted for a while hey it's free... and i do feel better after talking with him...
well we were a last minute entry for some battle of the bands at the BiKE Barn near morrison guess what... we took 1st place... only won a hundred bucks... but oh well'
then of course last night was also Steve's bachelor party woo hoo on the drunk bus lets just say that Capt. Drunk is the undefeated airhockey champion of the drunk bus yeah and i got kicked in the junk too
so now today i am just tryin to keep goin.... hangovers suck | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Black Sabbath-- Paranoid | | Subject: | the new band jams | | Time: | 10:30 pm | | Current Mood: | hopeful |
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| WELL the new band is coming along smoothly I LOVE IT
We're playin at Sabra's tomorrow night by the way At first i thought we weren't ready But after a week long of jammin out..... i am hella confident now
We only got 3 originals and 2 covers... but for what we're doin... first time out thats enough we may not have much but we fuckin rock
So come check it out if your not afraid of gettin yer asses blown out
MANY MORE SHOWS TO COME!!!!!!!!!! | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment  |
| Last night was so awesome Steamwheelers are back in action
Last night was the season opener and me and the double c were in attendance as usual... we got primo seats as usual... 4th row... right behind the opponents bench and we was bein rowdy as usual....
I of course was drinking as usual... ( go figure ) Capt. Coke's lol... my new fave drink i think Had quite a few... was feelin pretty good
Capt. Drunk got to come out and play for a lil bit last night and boy was that somethin else.... not sure what all took place but by the sounds of it ... sounded pretty bad.. lol
Anyways... the Steamwheelers won... as expected... Out of all the games i've seen em play..... i've only seen em lose once
We heckled the players like none other.... they had to post local law enforcement officers in our section to make sure we didn't go apeshit scared the shit outta me... course i was mucho drunko
{yawn} i'm tired sleeping now | comments: Leave a comment  |
| Well i finally took the first step.. and looked into getting some real help so as of right now on the 26th i have an appt with a shrink 2 weeks away.... can i make it?
i wasn't much useful at work today... and everyone could tell somethin was up... Barten kept askin me what was wrong... sorry dude.. didn't want to talk about it.. but thanks for askin (i get the feeling that he had read my posts from the past couple days)
but i did a stupid thing last night i stayed up all night reading throug erin's old journal... readin everything she wrote... analyzing it even copying some of it... {yeah i'm psycho} i was up till bout 4:30.... knowing i had to work at 8 it was not a good day today... i almost didn't go in i ended up being 5 minutes late.... and it was a crappy day all day long
oh well | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Slipknot-- Wait and Bleed | | Subject: | on a lighter note.... | | Time: | 12:04 am | | Current Mood: | optimistic |
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| BAND NEWS!!!!
heh... haven't seen that in a while have ya? well the band thing is going good so far i think good enough for a rebound band....
if the guys could down tune a bit... and we need a singer we'd be set.... the riffs are solid... the beats are poundin of course but i'd like to go a lil harder... i guess i'm used to FAB. I just want one song where it's just a big FUCK YOU to all them
so yeah we are lookin for a singer.. and we should be set to start rockin out
ok i thought i had more to say bout this but... i lost it... but yeah i'll keep ya informed... | comments: Leave a comment  |
| It's hard to believe i haven't updated since my b-day so much shit has been happenin..... yet nothin important to talk about
I've wanted to... but i just don't have the courage to admit it I need help... I have a problem with letting go And it's starting to interfere with my life
I've noticed I am becoming emotionally detatched from the rest of the world I am about ready to give up on girls and NO!!! I"M NOT SWITCHING TEAMS!!! lol I'm just gonna be by myself... cause it seems thats all i can handle and sometimes that's too much as well
It's not like girls aren't interested in me... plenty are I just have a problem with letting any of them get close to me I've tried it... and i just feel somethin's wrong I'm puttin up a wall, you stay on your side i stay on mine
I know i'm still not over Erin... I don't know why either it's making me go insane
for example.... the other night me n this girl went for a walk she brought a friend with her cause it was our first time meeting (i talk to her on yahoo every now and then, and we both have mutual friends so we decided to meet) anyways.. i played it all shy, typical me i didn't talk much.. unless i was spoken to well the walk was rather uneventful.. and so i took off... i got a couple blocks away and she called me up.. her friend decided that i should go drink some beer with them (hmm... maybe she's shy too and her friend talked her into it...) so they came over to my place and we chilled drank a few and listened to tunes after a while.. i started looking through some pictures... old pictures of the band upon flipping through these pics i stumbled across an old pic of me n erin it was an old pic... taken a couple months after we first met i believe at one of our shows at the Pig Pen the memories started coming back, i could remember the whole night... and i wanted to cry almost started to... i kept shuffling it to the back of the pile, but everytime it caught my eye i stared at it a lil longer and i was literally breakin down in front of these girls... although i tried to hide it not sure how well i did... they left about 5 minutes later
heh... i just can't get over it... i don't know what to do I have all these pictures... i should burn them... but i don't want to they are all i have left and i don't want to lose them i found a disk with all our old emails on em.... i thought they were lost forever haven't gone back through and read them yet.... afraid to
I wish i could go back in time.... 3 years... and relive my life there are a billion things i would do differently I would sell my soul to change them all anything to save me the pain i feel everyday | comments: Leave a comment  |
| tonight was an awesome night.... everything i expected it to be i even ran into more old friends i haven't seen in a while
Dooks is the most awesomest place in the world...
I heart boobs.... hehehe... indeed i do...
tonight was a night to be with my friends... some of em may not be the classiest of people but they really are true friends...
i feel a whole lot better.... although my ass still hurts a bit from when the strippers tried to rip off my boxers talk about wedgie from hell but oh well.. whatcha gonna do right?
it was all fun anyways..... | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Dope-- Now or Never | | Subject: | It's Party time | | Time: | 09:41 am | | Current Mood: | drunk |
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| Birthday time.. let the party begin!!!! Ok so my birthday isn't till sunday but its a whole weekend of partying
Last night was the start of my drunken free for all We started the night off by goin to qc Live to see DOPE (yes i actually went)
Double C was my chaueffer for the evening cause i was gonna get tore up And I started early too on the ride down i took a carton of my special blend of lemonade it was gone before we got there My posse for the evenin was Double C, Big John, and Megan Their responsibility to keep me out of trouble... My friend Lea was gonna keep a watchful eye over me as well wasn't needed... i stayed in control most the night
Unfortunatley we had to see Fabrication play.... Actually i was kinda relieved a bit THEY SUCK ASS.... I was laughing at parts cause jargo was so off beat at times
At times i almost broke a tear.... cause i miss playin live but i held it together....
I saw a ton of people i haven't seen in a year Everyone who used to hang out at the bar pretty much But the biggest surprise to me was seein Apryl there I hadn't seen her in years..... so we sat around and talked most the night, bought each other drinks and what not
by the end of the night i was drunk off my ass.. in the pit at times.. and making an ass outta myself ahh them were the days.. lol I even had a security guard try and yell at me... much to say he was very effective I was blitzed outta my mind and not gonna mess with someone twice my size.. lol
I was prepared for the worst last night.. but it was rather uneventful I ran into kas and taz... they tried to give me some idle chitchat bullshit but i wasn't gonna have any of that... although Kas did buy me a shot of Jager.. which made me feel a lil better
I guess i felt if they weren't gonna say more than "Whats up?", then i didn't want to talk to them I assume they just felt obligated to acknowledge my presence... nothing more.. it's not like they were trying to strike up a conversation... just sayin .. hey i hate people who do that... people who say whats up.. or hows it goin.. and then don't even care customers at o-max do that all the time.. they'll walk in and say hows it goin.. but keep on walkin when u try and answer... WTF!!!! i guess its the new bullshit way of sayin hello
I guess I sniffed that one out huh? I guess from what i heard.. Kas says that me and him are "still cool"... hmmm yeah.. he bought a drink for me.. very cool but you can buy a drink for anyone.. doesn't mean you're cool with them whatever that means anyways
I guess everyone from down at the bar misses me... In truth I actually missed them too.... A lot of em were telling me i shouldn't be bitter, shouldn't hold a grudge against the guys But it's what I am, what I've become..
anyways off that subject cause it's bringin me down....
TONIGHT!!!! We're off to DOOKS!!! More drinkin.. more titties... no more money.. lol IT WILL be a good time... all my friends should be there should be great.... but more on that later | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | From Zero-- Gone | | Subject: | dreams.... | | Time: | 12:13 am | | Current Mood: | lonely |
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| last night i had the strangest dream ever... well the dream itself wasnt all that strange
I had a dream about Erin again... we were together and everything was fine... but by the end of the dream she was packing her stuff and leaving.... gettin on a bus and takin off
and the last thing i asked her before i left.. "Do you want my cell phone number?" she didn't answer.. just turned and walked away... and i was crying.... and thats when i woke up i was crying... which was kinda wierd
i guess she's just one of those girls i will never ever forget although i have virtually lost all contact with her i doubt she will ever read this but i miss her a lot and i always will | comments: Leave a comment  |
| | Current Music: | Killswitch Engage-- The End of Heartache | | Subject: | it's beer-thirty...... | | Time: | 07:32 pm | | Current Mood: | cynical |
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| well its starting to get closer to my b-day the big 23..... ok theres nothin special about it, but i'd like to think it is
Dope is playing on the 25th... i was all excited to go see em .... until i found out that FABRICATION was playin too leave it to them to ruin my b-day plans
it seems everywhere i go someone or something brings them up and i am not in the fuckin mood for it
Ran into Psyco Joe today.... and of course we reminisced of the old times back when i was in the band.. and what not... He's throwin a shindig for his b-day at River city Brewing the same night ... A place i haven't set foot in, in almost a year... I think i might go check that out instead... seeings as i won't have to deal with running into those jerks they'll be in d-port decisions decisions.....
i really wanna see Dope though But i don't wanna put myself in a situation where i'll regret later i can see it now... ME + ALCOHOL + ANGER = BAD NEWS i have so much anger built up inside, i'll prolly do somethin stupid i think its best we maintain our distance
I still to this day do not understand what i did that was so wrong enough to warrant saying goodbye to me forever not talking about it, not giving me a chance just goodbye.. see ya.. yer done after 4 years... well..... FUCK THEM
but part of it is my fault, i didn't stand up for myself either... never have... I just accepted it and walked away.. well slammed the door and ran away... whatever.. i don't think things would have ended differently anyways It's not like they were giving me an option
And the excuses were lame... The one I laugh at was "you're an alcoholic... you have a problem with drinking" NO SHIT SHERLOCK If it was that much of a problem, why not help me out? Bring it to my attention, and help me change? Because it wasn't a problem, it was an excuse Real friends would have offered help, all i was offered was rejection FUCK THEM
I can guarantee that i am more of an alcoholic now than i was a year ago back then i used to drink to have a good time now i drink because i'm depressed... which is quite a bit these days Thanks guys!!!
And i can't help but wonder where they'd be if it weren't for me I put a lot of hard work into that band and got nothing out of it AWW FUCK IT who cares anymore... not I... or maybe thats just the alcohol kickin in Forget all the shit i've been bitchin about for the past year All this shit has made me a shell of the man i used to be... but anyways....
ON TO NEW NEWS I am currently jammin out with some dudes... tryin to get somethin started i'm finally gettin back in my groove as far as lyrics goin and actual playing yes i was a lil rusty... ok maybe a lot... haven't played in a long ass time right now the project is under the working name.... thats right u guessed it.... FUCKFAB Just a working title... i'm guessing we prolly wouldn't get away with actually using that but it makes it fun.. and thats all that matters anymore we need a bass player and a singer... but the jamming is good so far i've missed it.... i needed it.... to get these feelings off my chest
Feelings of guilt, depression, suicide, and forgiveness these fuel my lyrical madness now... the feeling of beating it out on my drums... and making my thoughts come to life it brings great relief to my soul... for only a little while For how long can i keep this up.... how long?
well i've had about enough tonight.... i'm sure this isn't over yet | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment  |
| so like i met this girl online...and we been chattin for a while and so i met her a couple nights ago... that was perty good so i took her out on a date on wednesday night.. went to the movies seen Boogeyman....bad movie... but had a good time regardless so we went out again tonight... and seen Constantine better movie... better times...
i hope this trend continues cause i feel that i like her... a lot i just seem to have had a good time when i am around her and i forget about everything else
every day i look forward to seeing her.... and yeah... i hope this ends in a good way.. so i'll keep ya updated on that | comments: Leave a comment  |
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Fear, Loathing, Loneliness, and Self Doubt
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